During the times of mourning and learning to accept the loss of our unborn child, I was sitting in our family room where Jason and I spend much of our time together. We have a fish tank, just a small ten gallon tank, but it is fun to watch the fish swim. We now have shrimp in the tank with a few tetras, but last year when I was in the hospital for the ectopic pregnancy we had larger fish. A few blue fish and one pink fish. Here’s a picture of what our tank used to look like when the pink fish was still alive:
Back when I was lying in the corridor of the hospital on the gurney waiting to go in for surgery, God spoke very clearly into my spirit and said “It’s a girl”. I actually felt at that time that He was telling me so that I could stand in faith that she would be okay even in the face of what the doctors were telling me. Although, I now understand He wanted me to know that so that He could reveal something more to me at a later time.
So, here is the fun part…. the part that really makes me excited that I follow Jesus, while I was in the hospital having our baby removed from my fallopian tube, the pink fish in our tank was dying. You should have seen my poor brother then, he was having such a tough time that week. Watching out for our fish while one was dying and then having to travel back and forth to the hospital for me, worrying about me dying. What a great brother I have with such a big heart, praise God.
Anyway, when we got home, the pink fish did die. Which sucked. We lost a baby and now our pink fish. Seriously God?! But then, as faithful as He is, He speaks. A short time later, I don’t remember exactly when, but it was about two weeks, we had already been told that they did in fact remove pregnancy tissue from my tube and so we knew that the baby was with the Lord in Heaven, I am sitting and staring at the fish tank. Gapping out really. Jason was probably talking about computer stuff and I zoned out…. oh no, I didn’t say that. Did I? 🙂
That’s when God spoke to me. It wasn’t exactly audible, but it was very, very close. I knew without a doubt that I was hearing from God. You know when you just know that you know that you know? Well that was me on this day. I just knew. The only other time I had been this certain that God was speaking to me was the day He asked Jason and I to have a child. I never wanted kids at all so I knew it had to be God asking me to get pregnant cause I was pretty darn certain it wasn’t me. Only God asks you to do things you don’t feel comfortable doing right? lol
So, almost right out of the book of Jeremiah I hear “Look carefully Jackie, what do you see?” I think to myself, the pink fish is dead. He says “And?”. I reply, in my head of course, “Well, You said I had a girl when I was pregnant in the hospital, and she is dead, and now the pink fish is dead, So?” He patiently responds “Yes, she died, but look at the other fish left in the tank. I want you to see that there are more, you will have more children.” And I was instantly reminded of a vision that both my mother and my husband had, on separate occasions, of me giving birth to twins long before Caleb was even thought about. Back when I didn’t know I wanted any children at all. (anyone in my mother’s group at Sam Camp 18 can attest to her vision) Wow, I was beginning to know what it felt like to be given a promise from the Lord. Thankfully, He has been teaching me to have faith and to trust in His promise. Proverbs 3:5-6 says:
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.
So, now I had a very definite promise from God to believe in Him for more children. Little did I know at the time that with a promise from God, usually comes an attack from the devil. And how one day in the future I would come to know what James meant when he said that we should be thankful in the trials. Read the entire context here from James 1:2-8:
Profiting from Trials
2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
That promise is what has kept me going through so many other challenges (which you will read about in the weeks to come) that we have encountered in the past two years and I now have a favourite verse that I am standing on daily. Hebrews 10:36 says:
36 You need to persevere, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive what He has promised: